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Cooking Bachelor Style I don’t know how but I’ve managed to gain the reputation as a, well, for lack of a better term, “love doctor.” During a time when my life is in such a state of disarray when it comes to love and women, this term seems to me to be paradoxical. But what’s a man to do? Unfortunately, I haven’t found the answer to that question while this “love doctor” thing keeps snowballing. My friend, Ernie, may shoulder some of the blame for getting this whole thing started. Ernie came to me one day last spring with a problem he was having with his girlfriend. I’ve known Ernie and Gertrude for seven, maybe eight years. They are, for the most part, a happy couple. But Gertrude was growing restless with the relationship. She was handing Ernie ultimatums right and left; the biggest one he brought to me. “Look, Gertrude said that either I quit drinking and smoking, and playing poker, and watching NASCAR on Sundays, or she’s gonna move her mother in with us,” Ernie explained, his hand shaking, fumbling for a smoke. “Holy crap!” I blurted. “What got into her?” “I… I…I don’t know,” Ernie stammered, scratching his balding head. “But you gotta help me. I love my Gertie. But her mother?” “Yeah, yeah. Give me minute,” I said, pacing slowly around the room. “Okay, look Ernie, the cigarettes can probably go. They make you stink anyway. Agreed?” “As for the rest of it, I think I have a plan that might work,” I continued. “One night this week get her drunk and suggest a game of strip poker. Strip poker never fails, especially if you play your cards right. As for NASCAR, next Sunday, just before the race begins, turn to Gertrude and shout ‘Gertie, start your engine! My motor’s running and I got horsepower to spare!’ If that don’t rev her engine you got bigger problems than you or I can handle. But I think it’ll work, if you work it. If you do these three things, and do ‘em right, she should learn to love drinking, poker, and NASCAR. Problem solved!” “Whoa, Mister, you’re a genius!” Ernie said beaming, locking me in a big bear hug. I didn’t again hear from Ernie about his problems at home. However, he did send a guy with whom he worked to my house for a piece of advice. “Hey, man,” Roscoe began, when I answered the knock at my door. “My name’s Roscoe, man. I work with that Ernie dude.” “Yes, I know,” I said, inviting him in. “Ernie said you’d be dropping by. How can I help you?” “Lisa’s like being a real freakazoid, man. Lisa’s my girl. She like spasmed last night, dude, when I wanted to like, you know, have sex under the kitchen table, man. What do you think, bro’? Should I dump her or ask her to have sex on top of the table?” “Look, Roscoe, apparently Lisa feels that having sex under the kitchen table is like throwing scraps to a dog. You don’t want her to feel like a dog, do you?” “Well…” “Roscoe!” “Nah, man. No way. I love my little Lisa, man,” Roscoe replied. “Good. When you go home tonight, kiss your little Lisa, tell her how much you love her, and then go have sex in the closet. She’ll adore you for thinking enough of her to be naked amongst the things she loves most.” “You’re the best, dude!” The next day I was in a grocery store buying a ham bone to make soup. I had just started sorting bones when a young voice pierced the store’s intercom: “Calling Dr. Love…Is Dr. Love in the house? Uh, I think I saw you come in. Please come to the third aisle at the front checkout counter and ask for Chris.” Undoubtedly, one of Roscoe’s buddies. I dropped the ham bone I had been holding and walked quietly to the produce aisle. Tearing five large leaves off a cabbage head, I fanned them across my face and ambled to the front of the store. Dropping the leaves in a grocery cart, I left the store and drove straight to a tavern. These are difficult times for me. To be labeled a “Dr. Love” when I can’t even get a handle on my own love life? I can’t afford that type of notoriety. I’m cooking bachelor style. That’s what I do. A “Love Doctor?” It may be time to find another shtick. 1 can (10 3/4 oz) cream of mushroom soup Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Heat soup and milk over medium heat on top of the stove till hot but not boiling, stirring occasionally. While that’s heating, pour your beans into a casserole dish or meatloaf pan. When the soup is hot, pour it over the beans. Crumble the crackers over top. Bake in the oven for about 1/2 an hour or until the crackers begin to brown. There you have it. Makes an easy lunch or dinner. Terry Miller’s Web site is cookingbachelorstyle.wordpress.com. You can ontact Terry at cookingbachelorstyle@mountainhomemag.com. |
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